The private musings of Seeley Booth
by Lust.Is.Evanescent
Summary: He looks so happy all the time but what of in the mornings when there's no one there and he is all alone, rated T for some language


**A/N: **I really don't know where all this angst came from but I love it I hope you do too, disregard the fact that it was Bones who got him to start his subtle rebellions and also there is no timeline or specific season but it definitely is between season 1 and 2.

**Disclaimer: I** don't own Bones or DB or ED or anyone else….yyyyyy?

Ex-ranger sniper, killer of over 40 men, emotional stress from being in a war and watching your men and friends blown apart by either landmines or dropped bombs and being only a few inches away from them and death all these were stand alone reasons for any man to spiral into depression and go haywire or worse even, commit suicide but suicide is not an option for me because I have Parker and I'm not going to choose the easy way out and leave him like the selfish bastard my dad was...oh did I forget to add abusive father who left but before he did, did as much damage as he could, yeah you can add that to my list of 'legitimate reasons to go crazy'. So as I was saying, suicide isn't even an option coz of Park, he's a good kid probably the best thing that ever happened to me and the only reason I really don't hate Rebecca my ex, even though I know I should the woman denied me of seeing my son grow up for Christ sake, I know that together we created the miracle that is my son Parker Booth and everyday I thank God for her 'accidental pregnancy' cause if not for him being the anchor holding me to this world, I would have long since killed myself...on second thought maybe I wouldn't because of my Catholic upbringing, you see thing is all Christians believe suicide is a sin and a one way ticket to eternal damnation and hey no matter how bad it is up here I'm pretty much guessing it's worse down there, and I personally believe that suicide is for cowards and I Seeley Joseph Booth am not a coward, so you see any way look at it, suicide isn't really an option for me.

Every morning I wake up, it's always the same, has been for the past 3 years, I always wake up from dreams of eyes all red, eyes looking at me so hard I fear they can see into my soul and then the familiar but scary falling feeling sets in and then everything goes black and then a loud explosion of blue, red and amber flames finally force me to wake up to rumpled sheets, erratic breathing and cold sweats, from then on my day usually continues in a monotonous fashion unless I and my partner Temperance Brennan have a case...hmmm Temperance Brennan, I never would have guessed that I who had refused having a partner all those years would end up partnered with a squint, but she wasn't a boring squint in fact her ignorance of anything outside the realm of her precious scientific bubble was amusing, it's been a long time since I trusted anyone enough to actually sit down and talk with them about myself and stuff that matters to me but with Temperance or Bones as I call her, though she doesn't like it when I call her that, it's always surprisingly easy, she's a very good friend, my best friend in fact but then again I have no one to compare her to since she is my only friend, when I tell her about myself and my past and of the things I've done she is always so attentive and her eyes don't hold that judgmental look everyone else, a small number mind you, I've told always has, instead she tries always tries to make me feel better whether it's by a simple touch, rational explanation or simply buying me pie, I got to find out that she also had it pretty rough growing up maybe that's why we bonded so easily and fast...hmm aren't I just so pathetic, bonding with another human being on the basis of fucked up lives, you Seeley Booth are 20 minutes past fucked.

I woke up this morning by 5 am from the same dream and I looked around me to assess my surroundings, even though I know I'm not back at Kosovo, it's hard to shake off the remnants of the dream. I silently pad to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I walk silently in my own home not because I don't want to wake anyone up, I don't live with anyone, but because my feet hurt, they always do in the mornings or in cold weather, side effect of being tortured by getting a 2X8 slammed into my feet every 2 days for 3 weeks well at least the after effects are better than the real thing, so I walked over to the bathroom and switched on the light, I took a quick look at my pale face, stubbled chin and sullen eyes, I brush my teeth and grab the shaving cream and quickly get rid of the hair on my face then I take a cold shower to fully wake me up, when I got out I looked a little better than when I came in. I walked into my bedroom and put on a T-shirt and boxers and then went to the kitchen, I'm not so much of a cook so I don't really have any cookable food, most I have are dry foods like cereal, bread and also basic stuff like peanut butter, plain salted butter, jam, mayo and always coffee beans, I grab the measuring cup for the beans and add some to the filter with a some water and turn on the coffee maker, the time now is 05:45 am, I realize that I'm practically running out of my house in a rush so I sit still for a few moments and when I smell the rich scent of freshly made coffee I get up and grab a mug off the rack of rarely used utensils, pour myself a cup, add 2 cubes of sugar and drink it black I make myself a quick peanut butter sandwich and then go back to my room to get dressed for work.

I open my dresser and am greeted by an array of suits in all shades of black, charcoal black, dark grey and not for the first time I realize I don't have any other color of suits apart from black but hey who's complaining, I pick out a charcoal grey suit and matching pants, a pristinely white shirt and black polished shoes, I slide that part of my dresser shut and open another revealing all my ties some knotted some not and hanging limply on hangers, I run my hand across them my fingers barely grazing the sides of the ties, burgundy with tiny polka dots, deep blue with little reindeers, black with little white antlers, forest green with bright red circles, these were only some of them, I remember vividly the first time I bought one of these outrageous ties, it was about a year and a half after I got back from Iraq, I was walking past stores when I stopped at one, I was having a worse day than this if you can believe that when I saw it, it was positively incredible it was just a simple tie for any other person but to me it was a... It was blue with orange insignias of bullets, at first I thought it was funny them making the bullets orange and then I realized with a start that that was the first time in a week I had smiled, so I made a decision and went into the store to but the tie, while I was paying for it, I looked behind the store clerk and saw a pair of equally loud socks, they were orange with green horizontal stripes, I bought them too and so began my relationship with racy, snazzy ties and socks and no matter how much everyone at the bureau taunted me, but not to my face though, I didn't give a flying fuck because the ties and socks were what made me happy. I picked the tie Rebecca had given me on my last birthday, a black tie with bullets riddled about it and a pair of socks Camille got me, they were blue and had dancing toes. I quickly got dressed and walked back to the bathroom to comb my hair, every morning I did this, I always opened the medicine cabinet and stared at an old prescription of Beta blockers and anti-depressants wondering if and when I would need it, never I hoped but as they say never say never. I grabbed my gun, gun holster and badge, 06:10 am on the dot, I was gonna be early again. I took my car and home keys off the hook, turned off all my lights and the whole apartment was thrown into early morning darkness and eerie stillness except the hum of the refrigerator, I wished for a minute my life could be as still and calm as the apartment.

I hope today doesn't drag on, its not yet 7 and I feel drained

**A/N:** This FF is just my understanding of the puzzle that is Booth, I know it might seem cliché but please tell me if you like…


End file.
